Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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