my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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