Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
