is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize