I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
