I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
