your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
