How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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