Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
