The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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