You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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