I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
