You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
