dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
