Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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