I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just pee around me
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
