taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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