In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I pour the whiskey from now on
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
