Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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