I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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