I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
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