Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The air was thick with penises
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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