i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
