Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
