she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
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