Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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