At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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