i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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