Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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