I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
