My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
