hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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