Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Are we still banned from the library?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
