from now on my penis is your penis
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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