You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
