I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
