Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
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