last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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