I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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