Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
