this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
