There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I need a burrito and a hug.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
