they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize