Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize