Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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