im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
