Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
