i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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