I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
