Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
