Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
i now understand why vodka
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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