I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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