i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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