Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize