I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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