Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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