4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I am spending my child support on dildos
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize