I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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