I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
