remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
