he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
