Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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