if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
apparently the secret to your success is patron
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
