Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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