i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
