Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
