party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
