since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
