dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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