I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I have tasted many bathrooms
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