you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
